Let’s poo on the floor.


Hooooollllllllyyyyyyy shhhhhiiiiittttttt we caught ourselves a bad one here folks. The Rock’s Doom is not a good movie, but I think it might be better than this one.

I am honestly uncertain as to where to even begin with this one. So, let’s start outside of the movie! On IMDB you can read a bunch of incels crying about the fact that this time we have Doom Gal instead of Doom Guy. Apparently, this is a left-wing conspiracy! The funniest part about these reviews is there is plenty to objectively critique in this film without being a sexist piece of shit. How fragile are people that the idea of a woman leading an action film makes them go so insane?

Anyway, as said, this movie fails all on its own. We follow Joan Dark (get it? Joan D’ark?) and the credits actually misspell the actresses’ name as Amy Mason instead of Amy Manson. Idiots. Joan’s team doesn’t like her due to her screwing up a previous mission. Her crew sucks though. These are empty-headed characters in an empty-headed film. I truly believe this film is an insult to Marines.

Something goes wrong on the Phobos base as scientists are trying out teleportation, and of course, demons come through instead. However, these demons are special. They are demonic elf smurfs, or smelfs as we called them. The smelfs are basically zombies who sometimes seem resistant to bullets, but others seem to drop easily.

The combat is laughable. For Marines, these folks are preposterously stupid. They get side-swiped by the smelfs at every turn. Point their guns at each other. Run away from combat, and so forth. I haven’t met many Marines, but they seem to be highly proficient at what they do! These folks would probably have been killed in basic training due to their own stupidity.

The monsters don’t seem threatening due to the incompetence from our characters. Also, why zombies? Doom is about psychotic monster-demons and stuff, and we just don’t get that here. While it was fun to mock the film for the first chunk, it just gets too tiring to keep it up.

Neither Doom film has done a good job of retelling the basic story of Marines fighting hell monsters. I’m not sure why, the plot isn’t exactly deep. This one might be a little closer, but it still misses the mark by about a mile. Videogame adaptations rarely seem to work, and I think this comes down to playing something is quite different from watching something. Doom is fun because you’re a kickass killing machine and the action is relentless. The movies want to force more human relations crap that just doesn’t work.

While budgetary constraints hurt this film, the lack of decent characters or writing is what truly makes it crap. The monsters look dumb, but the sets look okay, so better characters could have redeemed this to be more than a D grade action/horror film.

Easily one of the worst of the year. Don’t waste your time.

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