Let’s look at the bottom of the barrel.
2021 represented a dumpster fire of a year for cinema. Here are our top ten worst.
10. Sleepless Unrest
While documentaries aren’t always considered, this boring slog through the “Conjuring” house will make you think about mowing the lawn with your teeth. Tired, long, and pointless this film represents the worst aspects of found footage and lazy horror all in one nice package.
9. The Conjuring 3
I know we shouldn’t think anything with “3” after it would be good, but this one really takes the cake. Let’s abandon the good characters and traditional storytelling in favor of a by-the-numbers investigation and tease a courtroom drama, which we never see.
I don’t know what they’re going to do with this series after this entry. We really have nowhere left to go and the extended universe they’ve tried to create is about as enthralling as watching rice cook. Mainstream horror has taken a major hit over the last few years, and this is just another nail in the coffin.
7. Willy’s Wonderland
Despite a fun premise and good scenes with Nicolas Cage, the inclusion of the stupid teenagers ruins this film. It is too bad they chose to go this route because cutting out these scenes would make this a cult classic.
6. The Seventh Day
I think we need to talk with Guy Pearce about some of his choices lately. This tired and trope-heavy cinematic Ambien of a story goes nowhere. Our characters should have been replaced with cardboard cutouts because at least that would have made sense with how they react to what they see.
This is another subgenre of horror that seems to be running on fumes. Possession stories just aren’t working lately. I don’t know if it is a fear of trying something new or we’ve just moved on as a culture.
5. There’s Someone Inside Your House
The title of this film has nothing to do with the actual story…
Once again, we have a rushed and stupid Netflix production that misfires on about every level. How or why this was ever made I don’t know. Imagine Scream, take away all the fun, characters, and clever writing, then, add in a bunch of crap buzzwords and needless tensions. Then, take a giant crap on it and you have this movie.
4. The Crazy Musashi
An interesting and committed idea becomes a laughable slog as we watch the same “victims” crawl away and reenter the fight about fifty times. The idea of one long fight scene could be interesting, but man does this one just gets boring.
3. Ghost Lab
A long and boring story that somehow makes glossing over sexual assault not the worst aspect of its existence. Two morons want to prove ghosts exist and one of them kills themselves. If you cut the film by half and rewrote it you might have something worth watching.
2. Prisoners of the Ghostland
In what might be the dumbest movie ever made we follow Nicolas Cage (confusedly) as he wanders through a wasteland with no purpose or character. This deep-fried cat-turd of a film is one of the worst I have ever seen and was a complete waste of time. How the hell was this even made?
- Godzilla Vs. Kong
Aside from wasting more money on the creation of this garbage than they should have, the film goes out of its way to validate conspiracy theorists. The fact that this film released shortly after a literal insurrection is simply mind-numbing.
How you manage to fuck up a film about two monsters fighting is beyond me. Absolute trash.
Maybe 2022 won’t suck? Who am I kidding…