Rampage (2018) Film Review

Let’s eat paint chips.

Rampage advertised itself as a fun monster mash-up that would be full of action. They lied to us. Those lying liars tricked us (and somehow The Rock) into participating in this funless dredge of a film.

The Rock plays a scientist who works with apes, and his best buddy (an albino ape) George is exposed to some weird ass chemical that makes him get huge and aggressive. So he goes on a rampage (get it?) and Rock must stop him.

But wait, there’s more.

Of course, we can’t just have a giant ape, we also get an even bigger wolf and a significantly bigger alligator—despite them all having been exposed to the same compound. I honestly believe the writers didn’t know which of these species is actually bigger, so they just assumed. They also give the other animals weird super-animal-hybrid-powers, but not George. I guess they wanted to fuck George over. Why would they do that? His horrible CGI is off-putting, but he didn’t deserve this!

But wait, there’s more.

We can’t just have a film about super-animals breaking shit. Nope. Let’s add some corporate side story with two of the most objectively awful characters imaginable. I would have to look through all the reviews, but these two might be the worst characters in 2018. I was embarrassed for them as we watched this flaming-shit-covered train wreck.

So much of the film hinges on characters who are just fucking terrible. Nobody matters, and the always charming Rock can’t even propel this to a so-bad-it’s-good level of basic amusement. Nothing here is interesting. Nothing here is fun. Nothing here is worthwhile.

What would be more interesting than having suffered Rampage would be to see how in the world such a garbage pile was ever greenlit. How anyone could say this is any more than infantile puke written by individuals incapable of narrative competency is beyond me. Easily one of the worst films I have seen in months (and I watch a lot of shit).